Blue

A hangover strips your nerves raw. Its harsh white light sees through all the built up fictions of your life, exposing them for the lies they are. You stand naked, no lies, no stories to hide behind. You realize the truth – that life is shit. It is nothing. It has no meaning.

Depression is a hangover that never leaves. Everything that gives your life meaning is a fiction. That is the truth I came to realize. Depression strips away all these fictions to display the nakedness of your life. There is no reason to continue living except for whatever stories you create for yourself to keep you going. Depression teaches you that all these stories are bullshit at the core.

I’ve read that depression can be cured, but I don’t believe so. To me, depression is a way of life. Once all the fictions are laid bare,  you awake to the reality of life. You see the world in a different way, and it is a world you can’t un-see. I’ve often wondered about reality, now that I know it, I often regret it. You can build up new fictions. You can feed your ego stories about how important you are, but at the core, you know they are just that – stories.

The miracle of depression is that, if you survive, you learn to live without these stories. You continue to live, knowing there is no meaning, knowing you could die tomorrow and it would mean nothing. It is a liberating feeling, and a lonely one.

I have learned to live in the moment. This is a cliché “to live in the moment”, but it is also truth. I no longer plan my life. I no longer worry where I will be in five or ten years. If I die tomorrow, I’m ok with that. Today, I woke up to a sunny morning, in a beautiful country, with a beautiful girlfriend, and it felt good to be alive.

Photo I took of myself  one day while contemplating suicide.

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